I can never pinpoint if I am an introvert or extrovert. Deciphering myself is one of the hardest things I could do because I am an unwavering contradiction. I never understood people who said, “I’m learning more and more about myself everyday”. I thought we controlled who we were, but I guess not. Our hidden desires, our motives can’t be regulated like I thought it could. There’s a whole lot of subconscious mischief happening down there.
If I had the choice I would go back two years and tell myself to do what my parents had told me to do. To have picked something that was a bit easier because challenging oneself is total bullshit. No one ever talks about what’s at stake. These people glorify the prospect of what’s to be gained. If I could go back to myself two years ago I’d tell her to run away from the thoughts, to drop the positive thinking. After all positive thinking leads to distorted outcomes, which bears to overwhelming heartbreak.
My friend keeps asking me what’s the plan afterwards, ya’know if I didn’t make it.
Well I said,
I’d kill myself.
I don’t think I’d ever have the courage to commit suicide. I literally don’t know what the plan is afterwards. It’s just a space, a white empty space blinding me. I don’t even know what I’d do. If I were to meet someone like the Dean or so, she’d say, “It’s okay, you can do something else”. But they never get it. There is nothing else that I desire and that if I don’t make it then what was my purpose for living. There goes at the very least $40,000. That’s enough to make someone crazy.
I think I’ve went through the 5 stages of grief. I’m at acceptance. Whatever happens, I will have to force myself to grow from it. I’m ready to accept not getting in but I hope and hope that I will. I ask for miracles and lately I haven’t been down a ditch without a rope. Pray for me this week, I’ve got finals this whole week and I’m scared of letting my parents down.