You can get addicted to a certain type of sadness.


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I can never pinpoint if I am an introvert or extrovert. Deciphering myself is one of the hardest things I could do because I am an unwavering contradiction. I never understood people who said, “I’m learning more and more about myself everyday”. I thought we controlled who we were, but I guess not. Our hidden desires, our motives can’t be regulated like I thought it could. There’s a whole lot of subconscious mischief happening down there.

If I had the choice I would go back two years and tell myself to do what my parents had told me to do. To have picked something that was a bit easier because challenging oneself is total bullshit. No one ever talks about what’s at stake. These people glorify the prospect of what’s to be gained. If I could go back to myself two years ago I’d tell her to run away from the thoughts, to drop the positive thinking. After all positive thinking leads to distorted outcomes, which bears to overwhelming heartbreak.

My friend keeps asking me what’s the plan afterwards, ya’know if I didn’t make it.

Well I said,

……

I’d kill myself.

I don’t think I’d ever have the courage to commit suicide. I literally don’t know what the plan is afterwards. It’s just a space, a white empty space blinding me. I don’t even know what I’d do. If I were to meet someone like the Dean or so, she’d say, “It’s okay, you can do something else”. But they never get it. There is nothing else that I desire and that if I don’t make it then what was my purpose for living. There goes at the very least $40,000. That’s enough to make someone crazy.

I think I’ve went through the 5 stages of grief. I’m at acceptance. Whatever happens, I will have to force myself to grow from it. I’m ready to accept not getting in but I hope and hope that I will. I ask for miracles and lately I haven’t been down a ditch without a rope. Pray for me this week, I’ve got finals this whole week and I’m scared of letting my parents down.

Forever Yours,

Tabitha

School’s Almost Done


Believe it!

Believe it!

 

Dear Readers,

I forgot how warm it should be. Feeling the sun on my skin makes life a little bit better. As I get older I appreciate the smaller things more and more.  Why am I writing this post? –because I’m tired of my fears overrunning my life. I’m tired of feeling like I’ve been robbed and what was promised to me isn’t going to be there. It’s like in my mind I’ve already called what going to happen in the end and I totally ignore God’s plan. I’m exhausted by all these negative thoughts. One of the reasons I don’t like thinking positively is because if I’m wrong then the pain would be absolutely unbearable. It’s a million times worse if I’m positive because I instill all my energy, my hopes, dreams my pizzazz into what I want to accomplish. I’ve learned so much about myself this year. I’ve come to the realization that when I fall, I fall hard.  If something devastating happens it’ll take me months or even a couple of years to get over it. A bad grade leaves me bedridden.

The school has sucked my spirit out of me. It makes me sad. I’m not really sure how to cope with the pressures of school and life in general. I cry so much more because that’s how I release stress.

School will be over in a week and oh so many days. Then a few more days after that I’ll finally know if all my hard work paid off. Will I be able to pursue my career choice? Who knows? It’s like my life is hanging by a thread.

It’s odd but I know deep down I’m not going to make it. I don’t think I’ll be able to make it. I can already hear the uproar “Not with that attitude, you won’t make it anywhere!”. My friend keeps telling me otherwise, that I will. She says as if it’s a guarantee, which makes me all the more sadder. If she is wrong I’ll feel even more shittily [as if that’s a word].

All I know is if by the grace of God I’m in it’s literally by His grace alone.

I wish I could barter my way in but I can’t. I would give up anything and everything. You’re probably like nah, she doesn’t mean that. I would give anything. It’s more to do with not letting my parents down. I’ll be upset for myself but hurting my parents is something that I can’t even think about it. They are such good people, I can’t even bear to hurt them. If I didn’t make them it would break them, beyond repair. They wouldn’t look at me the same way or trust me. I’ll be stuck at home, living the sad life. I’ll go to class and come back. Schools shouldn’t put this much stress on kids. It should be illegal!

Forever Yours,

Tabitha

You Are Worth It


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I recently heard a story about a friend of a friend of a friend. He committed suicide by shooting himself in the head. I read a short article, perhaps no more than 300 words about his death. Only two websites had mentioned him. I don’t know why he did it or what he was thinking but it makes me sad. What if someone had just encouraged him? What if someone had held his hand?  I am an observant person, a people watcher. I’m sure there were people and even strangers that might have noticed his behavior. If they had just acted they could have given him hope.

It makes me so sad, it hurts. That he would go so far to kill himself. Even when you feel like you’re in a pit, there is ALWAYS someone there. There are people in your situation who feel they have no way out. Take 10 seconds and think. Life is precious, you may feel like life is unbearable, every waking minute brings pain. But remember just as life gives heartbreaking pain it offers a greater joy. Hold on. I wish someone had told this kid that it gets better.

I’ve always been told that suicide was the easy way out. The people left behind are the people who actually suffer. The mother and father left behind will forever have to bear the heartbreaking reality that their child willingly died. I would read novels about a character who wanted to committed suicide and in the midst of the strife a friend would heatedly claim, “Stop being selfish!”…or something along the lines of that.

From my point of view, suicide seems selfish, the lazy man’s way. I feel that the people who do commit suicide have poor coping skills (I sound incredibly harsh, sorry!).  Sure life may seem unbearable but there’s so many people in the world that have had just as many problems as you do. Perhaps even worse. Suicide is a poison and no young man or woman should ever have to make that choice. Life is worth the pain, tomorrow offers new promises. We are meant to thrive and survive in this world. I wish I could sometimes save everyone. I’d take their hand and tell them everything’s going to be okay. I wish I could be their sadness shield.

Forever Yours,

Tabitha

Stop and Stare


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Living in today’s country there’s never really a moment to stop. We’re always rushing to and fro to get things done. We were taught that time was precious and that we had to get a move on or be left behind. All this rushing is something we’ve been accustomed to. At the moment I shouldn’t even be writing but doing homework but I just felt such a desire to write.

But have you stopped to look around? Look out the window. My view is over a half-empty parking lot with dirty puddles underneath. Take a second look. What do you see? I see a broken tree without leaves bending underneath the weight of the wind. But the street lamps cast a shadow on tree so that its branches’ branches are illuminated. Such detail is almost too much. Or the way the light falls on top of cars. The city lights over the horizon, it’s oddly beautiful. If we were to pause just a few moments we’d realize beauty is right within our reach, we just have to look for it.

Our culture has pushed us so very far from nature. Why go outside when we have a Wii system? I could gaze hours upon hours at my computer screen at nature and be somewhat satisfied. But it’s not the same as getting the real thing.

In the 21st century words are cheap, people are used, objects over glorified and we’re always running to get somewhere.

I started rereading Crazy Love by Francis Chan, and it inspired me to write. I’ll be reading Chan’s novel over the next few weeks, so whatever I write from now may have been inspired from his writings.

There is satisfaction in God. I can’t explain it. It’s like he cover everything like a blanket. It’s odd how I know this but sometimes I just won’t pray and if I do I’m so quick to rush into it. I think I know what my words mean but I don’t. The Bible says the wise man stands in awe of God. There’s a difference when you think about what God has done. From the view outside your window to the very flesh on your body he created. It leaves you speechless, humbled.

God, the Creator has made many many galaxies that’s it’s unfathomable. It isn’t just a hundred, a billion or a trillion. It’s way more than that, way more than we can fathom. The reason God created so much was to show, yes He is bigger than us but more so that we are insignificant compared to  God. Most of us understand the beginning but we stop at where He is bigger and don’t carry the thought out. John 3:30 “He must become greater, I must become less”. It’s easy to apply but how much of us can ascertain that we actually do. We’re surrounded by his masterpiece and if we take time to look around we could be a blemish or beautiful stroke on the canvas. It depends on how we make do on our borrowed time.

Forever Yours,

Tabitha

Memory of a Goldfish


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Dear Readers,

This morning I got up at ten. I usually don’t go to Church over here. Yeah, sounds awful but since last year I devoted more time with God. The changes were visible by my friends. My demeanor, attitude changed wholly. But, so far this semester it seems like I’ve put God on the back-burner once again. So to my brothers and sisters I ask, how do you maintain your time with God? Please please please comment and share. I’d really love to hear anything you’ve got to say about this. I get so frustrated because I’m never consistent with the time I spend with God.

Like this morning. Around twelve I was like, “Hmmm, I should open my Bible and pray today. After all it’s Sunday,”

Sure enough I open my Bible and read the first three chapters of Hosea. I read a couple of verses that were so SO SO beautiful. I left them below.

Hosea 2:16 “In that day,” declares the Lord, “you will call me ‘my husband’; you will not longer call me ‘my master’

Hosea 2:18-21a In that day I will make a covenant for them with the beasts of the field and the birds of the air and the creatures that move along the ground. Bow and sword and battle I will abolish from the land, so that all may lie down in safety. I will betroth you to me forever; I will betroth you in righteousness and justice, in love and compassion. I will betroth you in faithfulness and you will acknowledge the Lord. “In that day I will respond,” declares the Lord—

It was something that was so romantic but after I was done with reading I picked up my computer and began to study again. It’s crazy. I have the memory of a goldfish. Let me tell you. It wasn’t until about 30-45 minutes later I realized that I hadn’t prayed. Then after realizing, I told myself after I was done with two pages I’d read the next few passages of Hosea and pray. It’s 6:17 pm and I just realized I never prayed.

I really do think I have some serious memory loss. It’s crazy how I forget things so easily.

My mind’s probably going crazy due to the fact I have an Organic Chemistry Exam on Wednesday and a Psychology Exam on Tuesday. I haven’t been very time-efficient lately. It’s hard to believe that people miss the college days. I admit going to school feels so fast. The days are flying by, it will have been almost a months since I’m at this school. There’s so much to learn and do that I never have time with God. It’s a poor excuse to say “I have to study so it’s impossible to spend time with God”.

Readers, I made this blog with the hope that it would get me straight with God. From now on I will try to blog at least once a week. If you have any stories, comments, criticisms please feel free to comment below. Rate, like or feel free to pray for me.

Thank-you & God Bless!

Forever Yours,

Tabitha

Fortune Favors the Prepared


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Dear Readers,

^ Maybe that’s why I feel like I’m so unfortunate at times. I try to be prepared but I’m just so slow. I’m incredibly overwhelmed at the moment…SO what better time than to write a post! There’s just so things that I have yet to do.

  1. Study for my Cellular Biology Test on Tuesday
  2. Prepare for my interview on Tuesday
  3. Create my resume, which is due one day before the interview
  4. Study for the Organic Chemistry “pop quiz”
  5. Complete Case Study Q’s for Cellular Biology on Tuesday
  6. See if my check came in for next year’s housing situation
  7. Print out housing form and fill out

I think I’ve hit everything. This is all a ticking time bomb ready to explode tonight. It feels like first year second semester all over again. I thought I’d be able to keep up, but sorely I’m mistaken.

Maybe it’s the snow. We got a snowstorm up here but it was nothing cmopared to the snow that my hometown got which was 3 ft of snow! My parents were barricaded, I don’t even know how they made it out.

Anyway I’ve realized grown stronger. Last year I would’ve cried and then started my work, but I don’t even have time for that.

“Take a deep breath Tabitha,

Hold onto your promise, hold tight

Because when you say it’s impossible, God says all things are possible

When you say I can’t go on, God says my grace is sufficient for you

When you say I can’t figure things out, God says I will direct your steps

When you say I can’t do it, God says you can do all things

When you Tabitha, say I’m not able, God will always say I am able

When you say I’m afraid, God says I have not given you a spirit of fear

When you feel like you’re not smart enough, God says I give you wisdom

and when you say I cannot manage, God will always supply all your needs”

Forever Yours,

Tabitha

P.S. Comment–tell me how your day is going, rate, subscribe, like~ do whatever! Prayers will be much needed this week. Comment if you need prayer for anything, big or small. It’d really encourage me to pray regularly.

Just a song that helps me get through the day 🙂

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A Busy Week


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Back to back posting? huh? This week is extremely busy. Tomorrow I’m going to be taking an admissions test. It’s not some dumb admissions test that has the least effect. I’ve worked hard for a year and a half at a school. I need to score above 300 in each section (Reading, Writing, Math, Biology, and Chemistry) to be admitted to the next half of my degree and to stay at the school. If I don’t get the numbers I need, then I don’t know what I’m going to do. I’ll have about 50 something credits and sitting there. Credits that I don’t know what I’ll apply to.

I heard it’s easy to get over a 300 but I’m very weak at Chemistry and Writing.

I know my God is faithful forever, through and through he is unfailing. I’m always pushed and give up but thank the Heavens that I rely on the Everlasting God. I’ve already shown how unfaithful I am but it’s never too late to start show my faithfulness. I never technically made New Years Resolutions. So here goes (I hope I don’t sound generic):

  1. I plan on reading the Bible and praying everyday. No. matter. what.I don’t have a problem reading but it’s praying. I don’t know why I have such an aversion to it? It isn’t hard as it sounds. The God of the Universe makes time for me everyday. He’s always beside me, motivating me–the least I can do is spend a half hour with him.
  2. Limit Facebook to once a day. I don’t want to constantly check it. I’m going to throw down the shackles of the internet. Though I won’t stop blogging C;
  3.  Eat salad once a day for the whole semester and not eat any potatoes. Silly as this may seem, I’m slightly overweight. Half of America is! I don’t plan on being a statistic anymore. I made a rule for myself. If I don’t exercise then I would eat heathy.

If I come up with anymore resolutions I’ll add it in, but I think is sufficient.

To the Saints of God, I ask for your prayers! Good thoughts! Anything you’ve got. My exam is 8 am tomorrow. Please leave a comment if you have any prayer requests. I would love to pray for you! In fact it would help me in my walk with God.

Have a Blessed Day.

Forever Yours,

Tabitha